Battleship

A dumb, but extremely entertaining movie where old technology is bulldozed by new and the “Art of War" gains a completely new dimension. Berg signed up to film this absolute shitstain of a screenplay with a few millions paperclipped to it, when the only potential lies in the name of this age-old game, these days played only by snobs who have grown bored of playing tic-tac-toe during lessons at school. But who wouldn’t like to play soldiers for the studio’s money. The directing maybe isn’t as opulent as Bay’s, but it’s easier to follow and the overall tempo of the movie isn’t so breakneck. The story: After a superb start, John Carter gets his hair cut and joins the navy due to a beautiful blonde, to become a better person, to serve on a battleship. Then some aliens from the plant G. arrive on Earth. He fights them. The number of casualties is abundant. Kitsch handled his role well, Brooklyn Decker is here just to liven things up a little. Daddy-o Liam Neeson is cool, but makes too darn few appearances. But if you were pleased that Rhianna had died, then... erm. And those poor aliens - these guys were the kindest villains I have ever encountered. Maybe we could have become friends, if the Navy hadn’t started shooting first. But we will probably never know, even though the post-credits scene from Scotland promises a part two. When the old men got in, I nearly laughed out loud. I can’t believe this wasn’t a parody. And Jablonsky and his AC/DC! - And who’s in charge of the ship now? - Hopper. - Hopper? We’re all going to die! (27/04/2012)

"Comrades, the imperialist scumbag from outer space is once again stretching his stinking claws around our motherland, this time he wanted to splash around in our trade union resorts in Hawaii. In addition to our overgrown actors, long-legged national artists and beautiful ships, our veterans and cripple comrades will also stand up to him. Deserved artists from AC/DC can be heard whilst we march." I swear I haven't laughed this honestly in a movie theatre in a long time. Although Battleship is a Marine agitation film made up of the dumbest genre-ideological clichés, it is so overdone that it raises some doubts as to whether Berg and his screenwriters poked a bit of fun at the patriotic contract. They didn't, of course. In an American blockbuster, it's possible to make a fun of Jews, Catholics, women, gays, and government officials, but definitely NOT about cripples and metal retirees (so let's face the fact that what we're laughing at in disbelief, ordinary American viewers raised on parades and patriotic interpretation of history take quite seriously). The basic taboo "you won't mow down a cripple with a UFO and you won't hit a veteran with a piece of a cannon" is therefore an honor. They bring the story to a properly vigorous tone and the spectator gets a warm feeling leaving the movie theatre that there is fun and a good bunch at the marina, although a horde of bearded lizards from Green Lantern plunder seaside resorts (plus, an American and a Japanese man are friends near Pearl Harbor, trying to understand Sun-Tzu's “Art of War"). Berg simply took everything I hate in similar films and put it into fairly well-arranged and playful nonsense, which is exactly sarcastic enough to take away his "empire is still alive" message. I rate the contagious peaks of socialist realism similarly, so why ostracize the genre of agitation films in the capitalist one, right? (17/04/2012)

If you want to see a WWII ship drift across the waves of the Pacific... I think you should go for it. It may be pretty to look at, but that's about it. The story is weak, it pushes patriotism quite a bit; it has it all – flags, the sun in the background, military pride, veterans, invalids... Just a great American movie about a military setting. There's some fighting, some friendship, some loss, some explosions. Yeah, and there are aliens, but nobody really knows what they want. I guess, like, to mine the Earth or something? Nobody knows. (10/06/2019)

Nothing new, nothing original, only a demolition and popcorn classic in the best sense of the word. Battleship has everything a modern action movie should have, and a little bit extra thanks to the presence of pop queen Rihanna, who looks just as good in a military uniform as she does in a tight outfit. Just turn off your brain and the fun will be taken care of... 70% (01/01/2013)

Non-infantile Transformers H2O taken to absurdity. Which, paradoxically, helps the experience, because Berg pokes fun at all the classic tendentious popcorn movies. And don’t try to tell me he’s being serious. My poor soul (sated in the second half with a guilty pleasure) cannot admit this (aside from an aware me: unfortunately very real) possibility to be true. No, no and no! (19/04/2012)