Pompeii

One day, Paul Anderson and Milla Jovovich were bored, lounging by the big swimming pool of their Florida beach house, on the table they had grapes, a bottle of Richeourg 1961 and a plate packed with truffles and crab claws. “Hey, Milla,” says Paul suddenly, “I think we need to enliven our marriage somehow, give it a new drive.” “Yeah, you’re right” replies Milla, “the only thing I can think of is a new, beautiful luxury yacht. We still don’t have one. It’d be the spark we need in our lives!” “You’re right,” said Paul, “a yacht would be fine. Abramovich has one, you know, the owner of Chelsea, or whatever the name of that soccer club is, and he’s really happy with it. But where can we get money for it? Resident Evil won’t cut it anymore. I’ve got an idea! We can make...” And Milla interrupts enthusiastically “Resident Evil 6 and Three Musketeers: Revenge From the Past! A crossover that will blow audiences’ minds!“ “Nah,” replies Paul waving his hand, “we need to be smarter. Think about this, what have been the most successful movies of the last few years? But REALLY successful. Titanic and Gladiator!!“ Milla looks at Paul flabbergasted, almost choking with a truffle. Paul gets up from his chair, clearly in his element, and speaks so passionately that he's waving his hands: “We’ll blend these two hits, it’ll be awesome! Pompeii I’ll call it! We rip-off the fights, the concept, the course and the twist from Gladiator, and from Titanic we cram in the fateful love, so that teenage girls will like it. The hero will be played by some beefcake or another, it doesn’t matter if he can’t act, the girls won’t mind. And we’ll save on the script, it’s not important. The main thing is to pack it with as much CGI as possible. It’ll be MASSIVE!!” Screams Paul until he’s almost popping a vein. “Milla, it’ll be a motherfucking hit!!!” Milla thinks for a moment, swallows a grape, cracks her knuckles and then asks, frostily, expecting an affirmative answer: “And darling, will there be a part for me?” (03/05/2014)

On the same day, I also saw the movie "Hercules: The Legend Begins" and I can't help it, but that "Hercules", even though it's a big nonsense, entertained me a little bit more. Not much, but still, you didn't expect anything and didn't get anything. In the case of "Pompeii," expectations could have been a little higher, but they were not fulfilled. Stupid romance screwed onto a disaster. Even if it wasn't related to a historical event, the effect would be the same. Only the eruption of Mount Vesuvius is worth it. (03/05/2014)

Flat like a week-open can of Bud. This time it isn’t Anderson’s fault alone. A screenwriter’s mishmash of Gladiator, Spartacus and Dante’s Peak suffers from inane dialogs and mostly predictable plot. Jon Snow is a bit stiff, but if he doesn’t attempt any romance, he’s bearable. Kiefer gets almost perverted enjoyment from playing the villain from the Reich, but that doesn’t make the end result much better. The only really good thing is Shorter’s music, the volcano action in the finale, and I was surprise that it was all over. Do you like sport? (31/05/2014)

Although Paul W.S. Anderson has made a number of downright stupid films so far, most of them have at least entertained me in some way. Not Pompeii, though. The wait for the special effects frothing was extremely long, and when I got it, I felt that it should end again. I wasn't impressed with the central duo either, but Kiefer Sutherland was clearly having a good time. At least someone was, right? (17/01/2015)

When the love or motivation of the main characters is formed by a single bit of dialogue or a transparent situation, not even excellent casting can help. Kit Harington, Kiefer Sutherland, and Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje can work hard to bring some freshness to their stereotypical characters, but it only lasts until the script inserts another one-word confession into their mouths. After the highly entertaining The Three Musketeers, I expected Paul W.S. Anderson's next journey into history to be a perfect fit, but despite the fights, horses, destruction, or lava of Pompeii, it puts you to sleep more than it entertains you. (17/06/2014)