Fifty Shades of Grey

When I stumble upon something every few years every time I enter a bookstore, sooner or later it starts to haunt me. Best of all in the form of a predictable romance, which transforms into something paradoxically embarrassing in approximately the third act. Paradoxical for the reason that anyone who has ever even marginally experimented with intimate play probably covers more in an evening than the entire contract of Mr. Grey contains. And embarrassing purely because the main heroine is the impossible Ana played by the equally impossible Dakota Johnson. On the other hand, Jamie Dornan, no matter how unplayable his role is, can recite all the madness that has been crammed into the script from the original with a fierce expression and surprising dignity. It just saddens me how much hype is and will be surrounding such a fatally unnecessary spectacle. If there really was only that Xbox lying in Christian's playroom, we would all be much better off. (19/03/2015)

A movie that starts five minutes before the end credits with the only scene that evokes any emotion. The rest is too Harlequin romance-like and shallow to engage viewers and allow them to relate to the characters in any way or to have any interest in observing the evolution of their “relationship”. Dakota Johnson’s acting is OK and natural. Jamie Dornan is not natural and his acting is reminiscent of Ben Affleck in Armageddon. And everything falls apart with him because his complicated and wannabe opaque character is supposed to be the core of the film, just as Sharon Stone was the core of Basic Instinct. Or at least I hope that the book is based on psychology and not flying helicopters and cars given as gifts. The contract negotiation scene shows the only spark of the director’s creativity in this gray, gray void. But it is irrelevant to the film as a whole. The most characteristic scene here is the one involving playing the piano after the loss of virginity… Personally, I was pleased by the answer “Me” to the question “And what will I get out of it?” Because I, ever impatient, never knew how to answer this particular question and always opted to move on to find a different, more experienced candidate. (17/02/2015)

So I watched it and surprising I don’t have the urge to trash this modern romance. In the end, this dumb (not as cute as in the Transformers) and senseless story comes to some conclusion. Quite surprising, if you didn’t watch the spoilers. It doesn’t even completely slip into an outright American Pie. In terms of actors, this a terrible bunch of unlikeable people, the only one who is sort of nice is (that pathologically disturbed) Mr. Grey. My girlfriend fell asleep after the first kiss and I dropped of when I thought that it must already be the end (about 10 minutes before it really ended). I finished watching on Labor Day. Everything taken care of now. P.S.: Elfman’s music was very pleasant. (01/05/2015)

I'll admit right at the beginning that I went to see Fifty Shades of Grey in the most ironic mood, because I thought it would be a good idea not to have a good time on Friday the 13th, and this film literally called for it, starting from what I heard from people who had read the book, to the numerous ads everywhere, to the first reviews here, all of which piqued my curiosity even more. I honestly expected this film to be much worse. In terms of the script, it was absolutely mismanaged. Unfortunately (or fortunately) I haven't read the book, so I don't know how things work there, but I had to laugh at some of the actors' statements, even if the scene in question was probably meant to be taken seriously, which it really wasn't. This impossible to ignore shortcoming was balanced, on the other hand, by a really great soundtrack – “Love Me Like You Do” by Ellie Goulding played in my ears daily for at least a week before the premiere. At times it reminded me of a bad Twilight parody, which is actually a parody in itself, so let's call it a meta-parody. Nevertheless, I don't want to give it a Boo! rating, because there were several funny scenes, the music was perfect, and it wasn't actually as mindlessly erotic as one would expect. In short, a film that will earn its money at least through advertising and various promotional items, but will still draw lots viewers (at least female) to the cinemas, so despite its obvious mediocrity, this film will soon see a sequel. (16/02/2015)

Pretty Woman 2. Over time, everyone waves their hand over it as shallow and often predictable when it captures the current times so accurately, with a hint of irresistible glamour. But now it's trendy to complain about how uninteresting the erotica is and how bland the acting is, while these are rather unjustified jabs in the style of "the crowd says it's crap, so I say it too". We will see what reflection society will have apart from traditional Bond films in 2035, but by then Fifty Shades of Grey will definitely be close to being in the red numbers, if FilmBooster and the internet as we know it today still exist at all. (15/06/2015)