Fifty Shades of Grey

A movie that starts five minutes before the end credits with the only scene that evokes any emotion. The rest is too Harlequin romance-like and shallow to engage viewers and allow them to relate to the characters in any way or to have any interest in observing the evolution of their “relationship”. Dakota Johnson’s acting is OK and natural. Jamie Dornan is not natural and his acting is reminiscent of Ben Affleck in Armageddon. And everything falls apart with him because his complicated and wannabe opaque character is supposed to be the core of the film, just as Sharon Stone was the core of Basic Instinct. Or at least I hope that the book is based on psychology and not flying helicopters and cars given as gifts. The contract negotiation scene shows the only spark of the director’s creativity in this gray, gray void. But it is irrelevant to the film as a whole. The most characteristic scene here is the one involving playing the piano after the loss of virginity… Personally, I was pleased by the answer “Me” to the question “And what will I get out of it?” Because I, ever impatient, never knew how to answer this particular question and always opted to move on to find a different, more experienced candidate. (17/02/2015)

Music good, cinematography awkward, equally awkward performance by Jamie Dornan. Dakota was still okay, but nothing great under the sun. The beginning was really a mouthful, I thought I wouldn't be able to finish it, but I endured simply because of masochism. An erotic film that tries to have some psychological overtones, but that gets pretty lost in the superficial beginning and middle (god I was getting hysterical fits of laughter at some of the dialogue and "thrills"). Basically, it only starts to get interesting at the end, when Ana realizes that she's not very happy, she starts to have her doubts about the whole sex trip. Despite all the stupid lines, and a couple of fairly well played verbal exchanges, it wasn't the horrible movie I thought it would be in the end. (13/04/2015)

I can’t shake the feeling that marketing-wise, this is the most lucrative slushy romance I’ve ever seen. And I only watched it because I expected some sort of a breakthrough in the world cinematography. But nothing happened except for one strange relationship that doesn’t really show us anything; just a bit of whipping and one very modest torture chamber. Dorian Gray might be a psycho, but he still acts rationally and so nothing truly bad happens to Dakota. The ending was weak because I know that Dakota’s dominance won’t last very long. (12/03/2015)

When I stumble upon something every few years every time I enter a bookstore, sooner or later it starts to haunt me. Best of all in the form of a predictable romance, which transforms into something paradoxically embarrassing in approximately the third act. Paradoxical for the reason that anyone who has ever even marginally experimented with intimate play probably covers more in an evening than the entire contract of Mr. Grey contains. And embarrassing purely because the main heroine is the impossible Ana played by the equally impossible Dakota Johnson. On the other hand, Jamie Dornan, no matter how unplayable his role is, can recite all the madness that has been crammed into the script from the original with a fierce expression and surprising dignity. It just saddens me how much hype is and will be surrounding such a fatally unnecessary spectacle. If there really was only that Xbox lying in Christian's playroom, we would all be much better off. (19/03/2015)

I didn't have any preconceptions and I thought that it couldn't be as bad as they say. But it was. Two hours of shallow boredom revolving around a theme that tells me absolutely nothing and after watching it hasn't started to say anything and won't start to, plus a rather unsympathetic dummy in the lead role and his handsome, but extremely bloodless partner. However, on the other hand, I understand that Fifty Shades has found its audience and will continue to do so, because many people seem to crave such adventures. So please, go ahead, I won't disturb you in this game room. (26/07/2015)